Is this normal?

I have had a headache most of the day today and I feel like this will help by finally getting these thoughts out of my head. I haven’t done much in the last few days being that we went to my parents and then dh decided to purchase me a laptop (his way of evicting me from his office) at a computer show and it had a few glitches that after returning it to the computer show, they were fixed but now we seemingly have new glitches that kept me up till 1 a.m. last night. πŸ™„

This morning, dh asked if I had any thoughts about something he shared Saturday night during the NASCAR all-star race. Of course, I haven’t posted about Jeff losing $1 million bucks due to a flat tire, because quite frankly I was a little peeved about the whole thing and messing with the new laptop. 😐

Anyhoo, back to dh….a good friend of his/ours is moving back to the area and does not want to live with his previous roommate due to differences primarily in how life is lived and his spiritual walk. This friend truly looks up to my husband as when he was a new member at church, my dh really took him aside and discipled him and they have a great friendship. This friend has a new job making more money than he probably thought he would make and probably more than many in his family have made and he has asked my dh for accountability as it relates to his stewardship (my dh is great at stewardship, noticed I did not include myself). πŸ˜†

He has also battled depression, loneliness, and other issues especially after his mom passed and then his grandmother. He is very all or nothing though in terms of friendship in that if you are doing all the work he is cool but once you don’t he can get a bit girly in the sense that he will hold a grudge/attitude.

He would like to stay at our house for a period of time to get himself together and find a place and be discipled by my dh. I have feelings that are all over the place as it relates to this one…

1) I think it is always good to help those in need if you are able and if I give up the craft/weight room in the basement, he can have that bedroom and full bath. Mind you, the craft/weight room is suppossed to be transforming into the craft/homeschool room so if he stays he will monkey with those plans.

2) Friend’s new job is suppossed to pay 6 figures and he has no children, so I am thinking that if he were to stay it should be no longer than 3 months. I say that because he can be very needy and I am wondering if he is looking for accountability or a family. He always says that we are his family and that is really the way he treats us at times as parent figures and he needs our approval.

3) My dh doesn’t want us to be selfish but quite frankly, I like my space. 😯 What if he decides to stay home from work one day, our day is altered. I like my basement as it comfy and during the summer it is so nice and cool and that is where we have set-up the kids playroom and just about all the books in our house as well as the laundry room. Remember, I don’t want to be selfish.

4) I don’t want anyone coming in my marriage. I think that he (having no real friends/family in the area) can lean too heavily on my dh as his social contact (think Julie from the Love Boat). I just see him either around all the time or him wanting my dh to be on the go.

5) Did I mention that he is 36 and a grown man…it it me or should he be able to manage on his own?

This is all quite difficult for me to process in that we have quite a bit going on in our lives and a lot of change as dh is seeking God’s face about a church plant. I think that makes me want to think about it from a ministry perspective but this is our home not a shelter.

What would you do? Would you have a friend stay with you? For how long? Groundrules? πŸ˜•


5 thoughts on “Is this normal?”

  1. Wow! That’s a tough one! From someone who has been on the receiving end of a place to stay (very long story) I could see how it would be helpful but it doesn’t sound like he really needs the help. If he’s going to be making 6 figures he can surely afford his own place!!! Without knowing anymore than what you’ve said here and without actually sitting down to think about it I would probably lean towards saying no. That may seem selfish but sometimes people are just looking for someone who will enable them and it sounds like this might be that kind of situation. There’s no reason why he can’t spend time with your husband being discipled and mentored while living in his own home so I’m not sure why he would need to stay with you. Now, if it were just a for a couple of weeks while he found a place to live that might be something that would be easier to deal with but making it more than that would just be allowing him to continue being childlike by not making him take care of himself – which a 36 year old man should be able to do! If you did decide to let him stay (for any length of time) I would definitely have ground rules established before he ever moved in! Let us know how it turns out!

  2. Wow! This has disaster written all over it. The cold hard truth is that there is no reason other than psycholical instability that this man should want to stay with you all for more than two weeks (to get in town and get a place!) Balanced adults do not wish to move in with families for extended periods, especially those making a significant amount of money.
    You already have written about hte tendency to dominate and be needy. There is nothing your husband can’t do for him (according to his wishes for discipleship and guidance)if he lives on his own. As one with experience in family therapy…this man sounds extremely dependent/manipulative of situations. He does not NEED to stay with you as a victim of fire or eviction might. I encourage you to set boundaries clearly, and to not allow him to use guilt as a motivatore to get you to do what he WANTS, despite your gut feelings! Good luck!

  3. Oh my. Does this sound familiar. My husband and I have been in very similar circumstances recently, so I think I understand a bit why you are conflicted. Hospitality, kindness, and an open home… these are all things we want to offer as a Christian woman/wife I think. Every situation is different, however in my experience, every time we opened our home (for an extended period of time especially) to someone else, it has resulted in some kind of strife within the home and always resulted in a damaged relationship with the person staying. Will you be providing all of this man’s meals? Will you now have to think about his personal needs (towels, sheets, laundry, food preferences,sleep schedule, social obligations) every time you make a decision for your family? Is he looking for the comforts of a family/wife without having put in the time/effort in building one himself? The burden nearly always falls to the wife to provide this comfort and hospitality, especially if the husband is working outside the home during the day. And in the case of a male house guest, there are quite a few other considerations even if he is a Christian and a good friend of your husbands.
    I’m not sure why I”m offering my opinion – I feel like I’m totally overstepping the bounds here! But I believe in my case, I would go back and simply explain that at this time of our lives staying in our home is not practical. I would kindly offer to have him frequently in our home for regular, planned dinners, or weekend events, or visits (especially if he is looking for discipleship), but I would avoid, if at all possible, having him sleep in your home. Especially if he is financially capable of finding his own temporary housing. The strain on a marriage can be terrible and take months to repair, even if you both have your heart in the right place. To feel like your relationship with your spouse if constantly being analyzed (especially by a young Christian who is looking for role models) is incredibly frustrating. I don’t think it is at all selfish to place a reasonable fence up around your family and your time with your family. That is your core ministry after all. Wife to one husband, mother to your children. Sometimes you have to chose your family over some very nice outsiders – this is not selfishness! These are your God-given priorities.

    Perhaps in the case of real need, or a family relationship (in which case there is prob. a duty), maybe a live-in situation should be considered. But rarely does it need to occur in the home of a young family where the mother is home schooling. There are usually many couples who have older children or empty nesters/widowers who are in a good position within the church to provide for this kind of need… and that is the opinion of some very wise ministers in my own church. I wish I had asked their opinion before I ventured into this type of “ministry.” πŸ™‚

    Okay, now I’m done meddling. I hope you will forgive it – I just wish someone had warned me beforehand, as it is so difficult to get out of that kind of situation once the decision has been made. I’m sure you will show the grace and love of Christ to this man no matter what your family decides!
    P.S. Thanks for tagging me – I’m still trying to come up with the 8 things, but I will absolutely participate!

  4. Thank you all for your advice, it is all appreciated.

    MLBAH – I continue to struggle with understanding why discipleship needs to take place under our roof. With that being said, it seems that due to the circumstances surrounding his upbringing, he really feels that he needs to be a part of an actual family unit.

    MCH – “Balanced adults do not wish to move in with families for extended periods, especially those making a significant amount of money.” That is what I feel and am having the hardest time processing.

    FHLH – Thank you so much for your words. In no way did I feel that you were meddling or overstepping your bounds, just the opposite as I was truly seeking input.

    Just as an update – DH and I discussed this again last night after a conference call with the friend. He does sound sincere and there are issues of his past that my husband is aware of and that I am not (nor do I want to be) that make us want to help him being that neither of us experienced based upon our upbringing so we can not comprehend his vantage point. DH is being very supportive of my thoughts/feelings in all of this and he truly wishes we weren’t asked but since we were, we are trying to hear from God on all of this. A wise friend of my dh, who has done this type of thing in the past, has stated the need for clearly defined goals/expectations and the like so the friend is working on a 1 pager of this stuff. I will compose my own list of questions, ground rules that dh will share with friend. I am one of those that doesn’t like to assume that people know certain things and my dh’s favorite word is peace so for him he needs me to be at peace with this and for there to be peace in our home. We are still praying and thinking and praying and thinking.

    Thanks again to each of you for your thoughts.

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